Grace for the Struggle: Following Jesus When It’s Not Clear

The Imperfect Work of Discernment

Photo by Jon Tyson on Unsplash

After three years of walking with Jesus, the disciples still didn’t get it. Judas betrayed Him. Peter denied Him. Thomas doubted Him. They often didn’t understand Him: what He was doing, what He meant, where He was going.

Following Jesus is hard. We see through a mirror dimly, if we see at all. His ways, His thoughts, are not our ways or our thoughts. We need the Holy Spirit!

Listening to the Holy Spirit, His inaudible voice, is a lifetime journey. We imperfectly hear the guiding of our internal thoughts and impressions, thinking we are responding to Him. We interpret circumstances as if looking for a pathway in the jungle. We read, study, and search the Scriptures for guidance. We listen to the words of gifted teachers, preachers, and wise friends. All of these are poured into the pot of listening, stirred and mixed, hoping for a clear message delivered with some semblance of clarity. Then, we have the decision of whether to act on our muffled listening.

All of this we call discernment. Some people make it sound easy. I am alternately jealous and suspicious. Phrases like “The Lord told me” leave me wondering how the Lord told them. Maybe I’m just being cynical and doubting. My formal name is Thomas, after all. Yet, I know I’m not alone in struggling to hear, to discern. And so, I offer myself grace and take comfort from the disciples who had a hard time understanding, even though they listened to the words of Jesus directly from His mouth.

As with most people, I learn the most about discernment from the mistakes I’ve made. Though each situation was different, my errors fell into a few categories:

· I acted impulsively, thinking I was being bold and courageous.

· I didn’t take the time to ask a few wise people about my decision, including my spouse.

· I didn’t examine my motives, though I always have mixed motives.

· I didn’t count the cost. Every “Yes” inevitably is a “No” to another good opportunity.

· I didn’t ask important questions,

o Why am I doing this?

o What will happen if I succeed?

o What will happen if I fail?

Even taking into account these good checks, I still stumble. All the best discernment in the world cannot know the future. If I wait for certainty, I will never act. I do the best I can and know the most important truth, that God is in control and is on my side.

I will continue to fine-tune my listening. I will continue until my dying breath, at which point I believe the listening will become easy and precious. Because there is joy in the journey, and if I’m honest, I hear more clearly than I did when I first began to pay attention. God – Father, Son and Holy Spirit – knows my stumbles and patiently continues to guide and teach me how to discern.